Did a quiz

tonight - we won... I seem to be the repository for quite a bit of useless information. I think I may get on a tshirt 'I *am* your phone-a-friend' lol.

Wanky, I know. True, though! :) Came out of that dark place, and found it was my cave! It's important for me to remember that for next time, and if anyone is reading this, next time I get down there, please just point me to my dark posts and say the light will shine again. Because it certainly did, and does. 'The weather continues fair.'

We are going to Taupo for the first week of the school hols; we have our petrol saved, and I'm buying little extras in the shopping (tetrapack milk, extra tins of fish etc) so we will have things to eat without blowing the budget, and we can afford to go and do things (hot pools, mostly haha) while we're away. I also want to visit the prawn farm up there - if there's free samples, I'll be in heaven. I could eat them 'til the cows come home! So, trying to save a little each week, and not splurge too much, keeping that trip away in mind.

Amazing

Am starting to get fitter

because my karate demands it. They don't make the demand of me, I am making the demand of myself. Which is a good thing, obviously... hard though! Over 40, over weight, and over here ;) ah well. I didn't get here overnight, so I know I'm not going to shift the lard that way either.

We all want a magic pill or wand or cure or something that just magics away that lard. A lot of effort went into making it, so I know there'll have to be a lot of effort to remove it. I'm not talking about losing it; that's a misnomer. Remove. Get to a healthier place. Eating is my last bastion, the last place I make a stand about being bad to myself. Us self-abusers just can't get enough of a bad thing. And all that.

I've downloaded some business plan samples, to look at starting a business. Got an idea, someone to do it with, and I have the skills. Let's see what comes of it.

Amazing

Later, post-training

It's odd how I feel - I seem to have these patches of 'ok', then I'm flat as a pancake. I mean flat. Go back to bed flat. Do nothing flat. Re-read the books in my bookshelf flat. The books I've read many, many times. A paradox, my friend calls me.

I make preserves, jams, syrups (lemonade syrup, it's divine - star anise and ginger), most of our breads and biscuits (though I *do* cheat when yum ones are on special), sauces and food from scratch. So. I also take myself to bed on the days that I just know I'm going to give some idiot a right ding around the ear. Though, to be fair, the times I feel like that are diminishing, the more I practise my karate.

Amazing

Post-training high

haha!

I thought I'd write it out here, whilst I'm still feeling good. Thanks for the letter of encouragement, PhDMummy, I am looking at the writing options. Short stories, I thought, perhaps. I wrote the first four pages of my story, sent it to my editor, and lo and behold, she couldn't stand it! Bless her heart, she had never read anything so horrific or damaging in her life, and didn't read the accompanying email to explain what it was, so was shocked and stunned. I had to have a rethink, because, honestly? if I were to write my life out for people to see, I don't think they'd believe it all happened to just one person. That's not a competition type thing, it's just the way it was.

The person I had to jettison from my life has told people she thinks I've imagined it all - that some 'Uncle Bully' type figure has put his hands down my pants once, maybe, and I've embroidered it from there. And that I'm sunk in bitterness and self-pity. I want to stab the cunt! And yes, I use that word consciously. She's a cunt, and she's not useful at all, because cunts aren't useful when they come as big as this particular one.

Amazing

Though I feel better

for having put fingers to keyboard!

Ah, an election year - notice the news is full of what Key wants? Perhaps that $30 million bailout to Mediaworks has finally paid off! Running the country like his own private business - I'm sure it's just something to put on his CV before he fucks off to Hawaii to retire, or something. At Merrill Lynch he was known as 'The Smiling Assassin'. Piece of shit, more like. I'd scrape him off my shoe.

My dear friend called me such a paradox the other day. There we were, sitting to morning tea with home made scones and cupcakes, milk in a darling little jug etc etc, whilst I was venting about how I'd like to stab somebody. And I do not. I rise above my base nature, what I think of as my default setting, and resist the urge to give people a right fucken ding around their earhole.

Better to vent here, eh?

Amazing

PS Nice to have you aboard, PhD Mummy!

I must have

quite a long streak of the megalomaniac within. I thought of blogging to get my thoughts out, yet it seems that if I don't have an audience, I'm not interested? I'd like to think of myself as literate, someone who perhaps might have something to say. Yet it turns out that I don't.

Don't have anything to say? Don't have anyone to listen? who knows?

Amazing

Monday

yet another Monday rolls around. Riots overseas, the haves and have nots, I wonder why I'm blogging. I got an email from PhDMummy, and asked where I was. I'm hibernating. I'm lost, really. Hearing Key waiting to stick it to just under 2,000 beneficiaries (youths) is sickening. You can tell we've got a Tory government here, as in UK. Cameron (call me Dave) is out of touch with what's happening in his country, ditto Key here.

It's an election grandstanding stunt. A vote grabber by the oldies who can nod their heads and say 'yes, give those young whippersnappers a card so they can't buy alcohol or cigarettes' whilst feeding their pokies... or whatever. Trips to Oz to see the grandkids, etc etc. Key really is a despicable piece of shit in my eyes. How about going after the people who get their accountants to get them out of paying tax? Hhhhm?

Really, I wonder about my blogging. If commenting on things I see, injustices, etc, really makes any difference at all. Am in a very flat, dark place. Just can't see the point. Even with my shining light - my child. I feel I'm treading water. And slowly, ever so slowly.... sinking.

Amazing

The sun is shining

and I guess I ought to go and get some of it! Working in the garden always makes me feel better - it's getting the hands into the earth that makes the difference. I've finished another blanket. It tells me who it's for when I lay it out, if that makes sense. I just knit and knit my rectangles up, then have a look at them all once laid out. Then it comes to me as to who the blanket is for. This one is for my friend H. He and I worked together back in my 20s, then we flatted together, and after a whole heap of water under our respective bridges, we got back in touch.

He has said, and I have also felt, that no matter where we are, or have been in our lives, I/he has/have always felt them in our lives. Somewhere, somehow, living our lives separately and doing our own things, he has always been there. Knowing he is in the world makes it better. It certainly held me fast in times of sorrow, trouble and just plain pissed-offedness! Knowing that this wonderful man loves me.

Amazing

Still feeling flat

... so just riding it out. Accepting how it is, how I am. Haven't even checked my emails this weekend! Though I have training tonight, so that's great. It always reminds me of who I am, how I am, no matter what. There seems to be some tiny core of adamant, deep within, seeking the light.

Amazing

Change of season?

Or something else? I don't know quite what it is, but I tell you, I'm flat as a flat thing. Flat. Emotionally not present. Divorced from myself, my body, my senses, my mind, the whole shebang. I guess it's partly that end-of-season, darkness that comes at the end of winter. A touch of SAD. Though it was snowballed and exacerbated by my child. Acting like an emotional vampire, he has been demanding, manipulative and greedy. Selfish and wanting. Most sentences starting with 'Can I', 'I would like', 'Could I', or another of his stock phrases. He inserts the thing he'd like, into the conversation. For example, starting a conversation about how much he enjoys energy drinks. (He's had a sip of about three, and had one whilst on a weekend away.) Marketing has done it's wonderful job on him, despite me telling him that energy drinks are Raro with added sugar and caffeine. Or he'll start talking about biscuits, or whatever the fuck it is the greedy little bugger wants.

It's very draining, doing it solo. Yes, my choice, which my judgemental family of origin continue to point out to me, and they are fond of pointing out how much of a loser I am, because I don't have a male around. I'd rather have a man, than a cock with feet, hence my solo-hood. I'd rather be alone than have him modelling himself after someone who isn't worthwhile. I would rather be alone, than take up with somebody just to have someone to snore next to.

Back to that boy. His selfish demands culminated in me telling him that I was unplugging from him for the next wee while - until Sunday night. I'm not cooking for him, cleaning up, or anything. I'm still hugging him and loving him and kissing him etc. Just not telling him when to go to bed, plugging in at any time. He has to get his own food, do his own washing, and see how the fuck he likes it, doing it for himself. I cannot ABIDE being taken for granted, and this is a way to see how he feels looking after himself. I'm reading, knitting and just taking care of myself, while he gets a glimpse of life in the real world.

Amazing

I need a job

because I can feel my brain turning to mush. Truly. It's ossifying. Rotting. Something!

 Amazing

What is wrong with this idiot?

Harawira. A direct quote:

"I'm just going to complete the exercise, take my seat and get on with the business of causing havoc."

That isn't what he's elected to do. It's to represent the people who put him there. He comes across as a racist, arrogant piece of shit, to me. As if he doesn't have any white blood in his veins (when he wouldn't like his child to date a Pakeha); he strikes me as a grandstanding, attention-seeking child. His stunt with the Parliamentary oath wasn't sanctioned by his tipuna, as evidenced by the way his cloak fell off as he entered the chamber. Seemed pretty clear to me!

Grow up, Hone, before you try play with the big boys and girls.

Amazing

Mushroom soup

made from the big, flat Portobello types is superb. Made it for the first time tonight, and it was wonderful. No milk or dairy in it, and to finish, a squeeze of lemon. Totally brings out the flavour!

Trained tonight, and realise that it is truly my spiritual home. I train with quality men, and feel blessed to know such good people. Great role models, and so in control of their power! I have never, ever been hurt by one of them, and we do full contact sparring.

Amazing