Can't sleep

so I'll post before I go and try again. At least lying down will rehydrate my spine. When I get there.

Went out tonight to a quiz. I have one sitter, a lad I train with at karate. I dropped my son off to the dojo halfway through class. It's not ideal, but when you're single, you take whatever help you can get. I am fortunate in my friend, because he babysits for me for the price of dinner. So yeah, great I'm a good cook, and when I can afford it, I buy him a takeaway, a magazine, or something karate-related. I don't have THAT many friends that I can drop my boy to; I'm incredibly protective and consequently my choices are limited.

I go to this quiz once a month; class is disturbed once a month by me dropping my son to the dojo. However, Sensei asked my sitter tonight to tell me not to do that again, and I'm sure I'll be getting a phone call tomorrow to say that I cannot do it any more. He said to my sitter that 'this is not a childcare centre' and yes, he's right. Yes, it's a dojo, and yes, I interrupt the class.

I suppose the other women who train have support, partners, friends, more money? I don't know, and at the moment I don't give a flying fuck. I'm just under so much pressure financially, that I cannot pay for someone to mind my child while I train, or when I go out once a month. I try and swap childcare favours with friends, but who wants to sit for an hour and a half, twice a week, around dinnertime? Yeah, right. And now this avenue is closed to me. So I guess I can only train without having my child in the dojo. Which means I won't be training as much. Which will impact on my physical well being, and destroy my mental well being. Well, it'll sure as shit set me back.

What is even more gutting is that because of football season, my child's training clashes with my Wednesday night class... family comes first, so I have sacrificed one night of training a week for my son for the duration of football season. And there goes my one night out a month too.

No pressure!